Private Top Secret Do Not Read!
by DreamingByDay
Summary: The very private diaries of Jaina Solo and her former best friend turned estranged love Zekk.


_Private – Top Secret – Do Not Read!_

5/10 1:00 a.m. Rogue Squadron Training Camp, Corellia

Today I saw Zekk for the first time since he left the Academy. I don't think he recognized me at first, since I was in my Lieutenant's uniform. He seemed happy to see me, sort of. I was at a bar with the guys, beating them all in sabaac as usual (General Antilles says I clean up better than my dad does) and then I heard his very familiar voice from the bar area. I recognized him before he recognized me. He gave me a very quick half-hug, not at all like he used to, before Shadow Academy. I guess that makes sense, though, since he was holding this gorgeous, really thin, and very chesty blonde woman on his lap. It was awkward, and I was glad that Colonel Darklighter decided we needed to get some rest, so we all called it a night. That was it. I only saw him for under five minutes, and the nicest thing he said to me was "Don't get yourself blown up." So why do I keep hearing his voice? And why can't I sleep? I wish I could get his face out of my head.

5/10 4:00 a.m. my so-called "apartment" – Corellia

Thank the Force that idiotic Carlia woman finally fell asleep! After I slept with her, she asked me if I **_loved _**her…Give me a break! I've only known her for a few hours. Of course, it didn't help that in those last few hours I also happened to run into the one woman I truly do love. Damn her. Why does she have to be flying with the Rogues? And be an officer on top of that? Now I'll worry about her even more. If that's possible. I knew when I left the Academy that I would never forget her, but I hoped eventually the pain would fade, at least. It's gotten worse. Everything reminds me of her…why??? Ships, fountains, books, stupid holovids of the Jedi, anyone wearing knee-high black boots, girls with long, messy hair or big brown eyes…not that I've actually been with anyone who looks remotely like Jaina. I could never ruin my image of her like that. That's why they're all blonde and stupid and everything that she isn't. I guess you could say I'm trying to forget her. But it doesn't work. I still remember. Whenever I sleep with someone, I wish it was her. I imagine us together, and I'm running my fingers through her hair, holding her in my arms, gently undressing her and laying her down beside me, kissing her, loving her. Stang it. I don't know how to love. I don't even know what love **_is_**. If someone made me define it, all I could say would be "Jaina." She's love, she's beauty, she's joy, she's goodness, she's purity, she's innocence – she's all that I'm not. All that I'll never be.

5/10 9:00 p.m. Rogue Squadron Training Camp, Corellia

I didn't see him today. Not that I was looking for him…much. But it is a big planet. Sith, he's probably off-planet by now. Him and his latest babe. I'm sure he saw me and decided to get as far away as possible. I wish he didn't hate me. I mean, did I make it that obvious that I liked him…like him…loved him…love him? Stang it! He hates me. I just know it. He hates me, and I love him. He probably has no clue – to him, "love" is just physical, just sex and maybe a few kisses. I really can't blame him, though. He's never known anything else. And he has no idea how much it meant to me when he kissed me. I mean, it sure as hell wasn't _**his** _first kiss. He'd lost his virginity before I even knew what the word meant. But it's not like we kissed any more after that, though. I wasn't clingy. I didn't push it. I didn't even try to be his girlfriend, as much as I wanted to be. I just – I was probably a horrible kisser. I don't know about that kind of stuff. How in the name of the Force am I supposed to be able to make him happy? He'd only like me if I was blonde, skinny, wore a double-D bra, had very little intelligence and no money so he wouldn't feel "lesser" or whatever he used to say he felt when he was around me…oh, right, I'd also have to have a great body, a high tolerance for cheap liquor, an obsession with death sticks, and the ability to make love like a Twi'lek "dancer." Whereas all I really can do is fly, shoot things out of the sky, and use the Force. I'm not even pretty. Why did my twin end up with all the looks? I probably got the Vader genes.

5/10 11:30 p.m. Broken Planet Bar – Corellia

I wonder if she'll be here again tonight. I tried all day to get up the nerve to walk to her training camp and say hi, but I couldn't. I couldn't even dial her kriffing comm number. That stupid Carlia finally got the hint and left after she realized I had no interest in her. Though it may have also had something to do with the holos of Jaina that she found in my cloak pocket. Oh, well. Like I care. I am completely entitled to having pictures of my Jaina…Sith, I wish she were really **_my_** Jaina. I've never wanted anything as much as I want her love. No, wait, that's not true. I don't want her to love me if it won't make her happy. **_That's_** what I want the most – for her to be incredibly, absolutely, perfectly happy every single day of her life.

5/11 2:00 a.m. Celestial Water Gardens, Corellia

I don't know what got into me. I knew he would be there again tonight…maybe it was the Force, maybe it's just all those years we spent together on Yavin. But it's not like I **_had t_**o be there. None of the other officers even went out tonight – they were all exhausted from training. Not that I wasn't, but I guess I had other things to worry about. So I went back. And of course, he was there, sitting at the bar and ordering what I'm sure was his tenth drink of the night. These two Twi'lek women were all over him, doing whatever they could to get his attention. The thinner, more gorgeous, less-clothed one had her arms around his neck and was nibbling on his ear…just what I wanted to see. I didn't even say anything to him after that. I mean, he was perfectly happy, and obviously doesn't need someone like me getting in his way. I just left as soon as I could, and tried to find someplace peaceful to hide, hopefully forever. Not that these gardens help much. I wonder if I could drown myself in the waterfall. But I guess that's that. It's over – not like it ever was anything to begin with. At least not to him. I don't know why this whole thing has made me feel like this. I think I'm going to puke. Maybe I shouldn't have bought those two bottles of Corellian ale.

5/11 5:00 a.m. alley (?) – Corellia (I think)

I guess I was wrong. She wasn't there. At least…I didn't see her. It sounds crazy, and maybe it was just a product of all my fantasies about her, but I swear that for one beautiful moment, I felt her presence touch the back of my mind. But these dumb girls were all over me, begging that I buy them more drinks (as if I could afford it!), and when I finally got away, she was gone. The one good thing about the night was that I somehow found enough credits to get wasted. I don't even know where I am now. Maybe I should try to get home. Or I could just jump off a building or something. That sounds more appealing right now.

5/11 10:00 a.m. Rogue Squadron Training Camp, Corellia

Sith, my head hurts. Maybe if I drink some more that will make it all go away…Now I know why Zekk drinks all the time. Not that he actually has anything to be upset about. He has everything he wants in life. So I guess I should be happy for him. But I'm not. I want him to have the life he deserves, not all these sleazy bars and parties full of nothing but drugs, alcohol, and desperate women. He deserves someone special who will actually take care of him and love him, not random idiots who are looking to get laid. I better pack. We leave for Coruscant in an hour, and I have no clue where my flight suit is.

5/11 10:00 a.m. the "apartment" – Corellia

That's it. I can't take this anymore. I **_have_** to talk to her. Last night…Sith, last night was awful. I tried…I almost…I mean, I wanted to…I don't know where I even found all the stuff I swallowed…I even half-slit my wrists with an old razor…but I just couldn't. I couldn't kill myself. I **_want_** to die. I really do. But I can't. Not before knowing for sure that I mean absolutely nothing to her. And I think that knowledge alone will be enough to kill me.

5/11 10:50 a.m. Corellis One Spaceport, Corellia

I still can't find my flight helmet. But I think I have everything else. Not that it matters. I won't be landing on Coruscant. I've reprogrammed my controls so I can't actually fly once I get in the air. I'll just crash back to the ground and burn up. I hope if the boys find this, they read it and don't blame themselves. I don't want to hurt Jace or Ani. I just want to hurt myself for being so pathetic. Why can't I get over him?

5/11 8:30 p.m. Sunrise Eternal Restaurant, Corellia

What in the name of the Force just happened? I finally found her squadron. They were at the spaceport, waiting for the rain to stop so they could take off, and she was just standing there, out in the rain away from everyone else, looking so incredibly sad and gorgeous and alone. But then some young guy who obviously flies with her came up and started talking to her, and I got so scared I almost left. I mean, if he was her boyfriend, or something…But then I heard what he was talking – actually, more like shouting – about. Apparently she'd somehow rigged her ship to crash upon takeoff. I was so shocked by the fact that she wanted to kill herself that I just ran up to her, shoved the guy out of the way, and demanded to know what was wrong. She glared at me and said "Nothing," but I asked her again. I asked her what was wrong with her ship, if she wouldn't tell me anything else. And of course she glances down at my hands, which I had tried to bandage up but were still leaking lots of blood, and goes "What's wrong with your wrists?" And then…I don't know what happened. I couldn't stop myself. I told her everything…how I tried to kill myself, how I missed her, how empty I had felt ever since I left her…how horrible I had treated her…how much I need her…how much I love her. I finally did it. I told her that I love her. Then I just broke down in tears, and I got all dizzy (major blood loss will do that to you), and I think I started to fall over, but the next thing I knew she had caught me and was holding me and stroking my hair. For a while we just held each other, and she comforted me until I stopped crying. She wanted to take me to a med center right away, but I wouldn't let her, 'cuz I wanted to apologize. So I kept saying "I'm sorry" over and over, until she finally spoke. They were the most beautiful four words I have ever heard – "I love you, Zekk." And I completely lost it. I grabbed her and kissed her, right there in the rain in front of half her squadron. Not that she seemed to mind much. I'm not really sure what happened next…it's all been a big, glorious blur of laughter, hugs, tears, and kisses. I know she healed my wrists, and I've never felt a softer touch in all my life. She's an angel. And then we were both hungry, and she decided she wanted to take me out to dinner, and I kept saying no, that I would be fine, and that she really should go back because the rain finally let up so the Rogues are now taking off at ten tonight, but she insisted. So here we are…she's in the restaurant's 'fresher right now, changing out of her flight suit. I wish she didn't feel the need to pay for me, like I can't afford food for myself (alright, fine, she knows I can't, but still)…I never really was very good at refusing her anything. I only wish I'd told her sooner how much I love her.

5/11 11:30 p.m. Zekk's apartment, Corellia

Yesterday, all I wanted to do was die. Today, I've never felt more alive. I can't believe he loves me. He loves me. Zekk loves me, Jaina Solo, the girl who was never bad enough, never daring enough, never rebellious enough. I guess he always loved me, he just didn't know how to show it. That's what he says, anyways. And I'm more than willing to believe him. I mean, he tried to kill himself over and over just because we weren't together. Weird how I did the same exact thing. His poor wrists were so cut up, though…at least I was able to heal them. And he's so incredibly thin, so I took him to this really quiet little restaurant near the spaceport. Luckily I had a dress in my bag so I could change and look halfway respectable, though he kept insisting that no matter what I was wearing, I had always been the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. We caught up on so much, and talked forever even after the waiters had cleared our plates away and were starting to close the restaurant down for the night…by the time we left, it was eleven, and I'd missed the squadron's departure time. I suppose I **_could_** have just taken off alone, but Zekk didn't want me flying after everything that's happened today, and when I said I had better find a hotel with a spare room, he offered his apartment instead. He said (and this is a direct quote) "You can sleep with me…I mean, in my bed…I mean, not like that…but…" And he blushed – it was the cutest thing! So now, here we are…I helped him clean up his place a little, and when I was folding his clothes I found a bunch of holos of me in the pocket of his cloak. He's showering right now, and I already changed into my makeshift pajamas, otherwise known as Zekk's undershirt, so now I'm just curled up in his blankets. Their smell reminds me of him – warm, gentle, sweet…And now he's out of the shower. Wow, he looks hot in that towel! And he just kissed me again, for about the eightieth time tonight. I think I could stay here forever…in his home, in his clothes, in his bed, in his arms. I've never been so happy in my life. _Zekk **loves** me_. And I love him. With all my heart, all my soul, and everything that I am. Forever.


End file.
